Stupidest Marraige Advice!

I saw link on Facebook talking about "9 Marriage Problems that Are Actually Good for Your Relationship."

When I read it, I was so taken aback by the sheer stupidity of the advice that I was stunned silent.  At least, that is, for a few moments.

Between 41% and 50% of all first marriages end in divorces says DivorceRate.org.  The statistics are even worse for second and third marriages (more than 70% of third marriages end in divorce)

With such a high probability of failure, I can't let these stupid suggestions stand without rebuttal.

Problem One, "You both fantasize about other people." 

"This could be good for your marriage, the article says, "So thinking about a sexy neighbor, for example, can improve your marriage-as long as those racy visions stay in your mind."

Since the mind is the breeding ground for all behaviors, the slope between thinking and acting can be a very slippery one indeed.  The article says that fantasizing about others "allows you to open up to your partner physically and emotionally."

How can imaging someone else make you close to your spouse?  It doesn't.  What it does is cause you to be disillusioned with your spouse, and it will lead to relationship problems.

Problem Two, He goes out with the guys.

"Interests and hobbies outside of marriage feed a person's spirit and help break up routine."

Marriages tend either towards togetherness or isolation.  Drawing together by living a shared life of shared passions and interests knit hearts together, strengthen marriages, and repels divorce.

While separate interests isn't necessarily a bad thing and time apart is necessary for both spouse's sanity, if both the husband and the wife peruse their lives separately, they WILL  grow apart and have less common ground between them.  Couples should try to seek activities that they can enjoy together.

One other point.  While it is a good thing for a man to be around other men, too much time spent with "the guys" isn't healthy.  It can be a mark of immaturity, lack of commitment, or selfishness.

Problem Three,You argue a lot

"Fighting ... means you trust each other enough to share your feelings"

First, let's define terms.  According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary fighting means

To contend against in or as if in battle or physical combat

Conflict is common to all marriages.   So are fights.  But, fighting and arguing isn't healthy.  Fighting isn't about trust, it's about trying to force our way on our spouse.

While fighting can be a way for a couple to communicate, it's better to disagree without having to resort to fighting.  Fighting occurs when we allow our emotions free reign, and seek to win, not seek a solution.  When we fight, we want to be heard, not to listen.

True communication occurs when we seek to hear and understand first, and only then be heard.

Problem Four, He spends a lot of money on his hobbies. 

"But if the bills are paid and the kids are taken care of, let your husband get new golf clubs or go on a fishing trip."

Sure, it's fine to responsibly indulge yourself  from time to time.  But a consistent desire to spend money on your own own selfish desires is a mark of self-centeredness.  Being self-centered is poisonous to your marriage.

He uses porn.
 

"[Porn]... only becomes problematic when porn is used in secret or instead of interaction with a partner. "

Porn is a problem regardless of how it's used.  Porn distorts how we perceive and enjoy sex.  Porn desensitizes the user to real sexual stimuli, and may create unreasonable expectations our spouse cannot meet.

No porn use is healthy.  Porn use can lead to increased isolation, hurt, and relationship problems, and actually impair healthy sex within a marriage.

He works all the time

"Chances are, his drive and passion for his job are qualities that initially attracted you to him"

Working all the time is damaging for a marriage.  If the work is short-term, agreed upon by the couple, and used to benefit the family as a whole, it's tolerable.  When any of those items are not present, "working all the time" is intolerable.  Note:  working all the time is not a 40 hour a week job.  It's more like an 80 hour a week job.

The idea, however, of placing a career in front of the family is just plain wrong.  A man (or woman, for that matter) cannot develop close relationships to people he never is around.  Regardless of how much money or prestige it brings, it also brings loneliness and hurt.

You both flirt with other people online.

flirty friendships can be healthy as long as they don't get physical

 Sure, and building a fire in your living room floor is fine, as long as you control the flame.  If one of the spouses is feeling lonely or hurt, a flirty relationship can become something more very quickly.  Numerous families have been destroyed when a casual flirty relationship flared into some much more .

You're too tired for sex.

Of all nine, this is the only one I feel is not bad advice.  Many marital problems are caused by lack of sex.  For men, rejection breeds contempt, and contempt isn't healthy in a relationship.  Setting regular time to come together is not a bad idea.

The problem is that, for a women, the sex act isn't just physical.  To her, emotive and relational aspects are more important than just the physical.

This means that the state of the marriage, as she sees it, dictates her capacity to  want and enjoy sex.  Focusing only on the physical and ignoring the emotive and relational aspects of sex is like talking about ice cream without mentioning that it's cold.

He's close with a female colleague.

your financial stability and social status may depend on this specific office relationship

While the articles points out that honesty aids in  preventing affairs, close relationships with members of the opposite sex are quite the fertile ground for affairs

I look at marital infidelity like an infectious disease.  Public health measures prevent the spread of infections disease by controlling the vectors of contagion.  In other words, they find the ways disease spreads (cockroaches, rats, unprotected sex, etc) and tries to break the chain so infection doesn't occur.

Close relationships like those mentioned in the article crosses a line of separation, leaving a  married man susceptible for infidelity.

Sure, it's just a friendship now.  But once the relationship becomes more than just colleges, and his emotional or physical needs  aren't met, it will be a great source of temptation.

It is better to live in a smaller house, drive a smaller car, wear less fashionable clothes, than destroy your family.  Social status and financial stability are nothing compared to a intact and healthy family, and the family begins with the marriage.